Ahhhh!! How does that happen?? I was able to release some emotions this morning & felt really good about myself! Went to the gym & sweat like crazy beatin' the snot out of the punching bag...that felt GOOD!! I also grabbed a 25lb medicine ball & chucked it around. Luckily there weren't too many people that could hear my grunts & groans:) The past few hours though I have not been able to get out of my head. What am I trying to accomplish here? Try to find hope or just complain...blah, blah, blah...What I want to know is how did I come up with so many thoughts of never being enough & that I have no worth...the thing is, I'm not coming up with those thoughts. The adversary continually & relentlessly bombards us, packing any little available space with lies & ugly, despicable thoughts, until we are so covered in mud & filth and feel such disgust & we don't understand how we got here. Oh, please Father in Heaven, help me to let my light shine! I know it's there! I know that it is beautiful & wants to bust out of it's hiding place. Help me uncover it & clean off the muck...tears want to come, but I'm stifling them & I don't understand...help me feel thy love. I've abused this amazing mind & body. I've allowed myself to be filled with such ugliness & there's plenty of guilt. Help me to allow His atonement in to cleanse, & purify & heal once & for all.
Psalms 107:26-29
26 They mount up to the heaven, they go down again to the depths: their soul is melted because of trouble.
27 They reel to and fro, and stagger like a drunken man, and are at their wits’ end.
28 Then they cry unto the Lord in their trouble, and he bringeth them out of their distresses.
29 He maketh the storm a calm, so that the waves thereof are still.
Thursday, January 28, 2016
Monday, January 25, 2016
Health IS a blessing...
Looking over a journal entry from just last month...oh, so grateful for growth, but MAN does it have to hurt so bad?!!
Dec. 19, 2015 Last night I had fallen asleep on the couch & in waking up and getting ready for bed I felt a very intense weight...oh, please no... please...an anxiety attack was coming on. My heart was racing so fast & I my body was shaking terribly. I was literally pleading with Heavenly Father, even though I knew that I had done this...I was the one that gorged on so much processed food that my body was struggling to digest it all & I was a natural magnet to negative thoughts & emotions. I was in a frenzied panic as I felt so claustrophobic & couldn't breath. Even thinking of the darkened sky outside weighed so heavily on me. I truly would never wish this feeling upon anyone...It is completely debilitating...I ransacked by bathroom cupboard looking for the Xanax...the 2 pills have left me "not all here"....in search of comfort...
Health is a Blessing by Steven Horne
"We need to keep in mind that all of us, including the righteous, are imperfect. We may be righteous people; filled with love & faith & desire to keep the commandments of God, but this does not mean we can violate the laws of good health without suffering the consequences. God wants all of his children to be healthy, just as any loving parent does. He does not delight in seeing us suffer. However, in his love for us He must allow us to suffer the consequences of natural law or we will not grow & learn. He allows us to make choices which eventually lead to sickness & other problems, because He knows we must learn to be responsible for our own choices."
Dec. 19, 2015 Last night I had fallen asleep on the couch & in waking up and getting ready for bed I felt a very intense weight...oh, please no... please...an anxiety attack was coming on. My heart was racing so fast & I my body was shaking terribly. I was literally pleading with Heavenly Father, even though I knew that I had done this...I was the one that gorged on so much processed food that my body was struggling to digest it all & I was a natural magnet to negative thoughts & emotions. I was in a frenzied panic as I felt so claustrophobic & couldn't breath. Even thinking of the darkened sky outside weighed so heavily on me. I truly would never wish this feeling upon anyone...It is completely debilitating...I ransacked by bathroom cupboard looking for the Xanax...the 2 pills have left me "not all here"....in search of comfort...
Health is a Blessing by Steven Horne
"We need to keep in mind that all of us, including the righteous, are imperfect. We may be righteous people; filled with love & faith & desire to keep the commandments of God, but this does not mean we can violate the laws of good health without suffering the consequences. God wants all of his children to be healthy, just as any loving parent does. He does not delight in seeing us suffer. However, in his love for us He must allow us to suffer the consequences of natural law or we will not grow & learn. He allows us to make choices which eventually lead to sickness & other problems, because He knows we must learn to be responsible for our own choices."
January 14, 2016 When is it going to be enough...
Here I am a 45 year old woman, wife, mother of 4 & blessed beyond belief!! Truly, I am so blessed so my confusion is very real when I find myself asking, "What are you looking for? You have so much already!" I have spent the last 25+ years of my life trying to figure out just that. I'm sitting here at the computer typing when I should be doing so many other productive things. My heart is heavy...
One thing that continues to resonate is food. Not only due to the fact that I'm an addict, for sure, but I know that I need, I must eat better. Food is a huge chunk to my answer for physical, spiritual, & emotional health. I've started & stopped, excelled & regressed, began then had a glorious FLOP on many, we're talking "MANY with a capital M" eating programs! My hope, my prayer, my dream is that this the MILLIONTH TIME will in fact BE THE CHARM!!
I was sitting in my favorite thinking spot...Nathan Ralph you know where that is:)...& decided that I will create a blog to journal thoughts, inspiration, desperation, helps so that maybe someone out there can relate & then know for themselves that it is never too late. In the words of a wise philosopher,
One thing that continues to resonate is food. Not only due to the fact that I'm an addict, for sure, but I know that I need, I must eat better. Food is a huge chunk to my answer for physical, spiritual, & emotional health. I've started & stopped, excelled & regressed, began then had a glorious FLOP on many, we're talking "MANY with a capital M" eating programs! My hope, my prayer, my dream is that this the MILLIONTH TIME will in fact BE THE CHARM!!
I was sitting in my favorite thinking spot...Nathan Ralph you know where that is:)...& decided that I will create a blog to journal thoughts, inspiration, desperation, helps so that maybe someone out there can relate & then know for themselves that it is never too late. In the words of a wise philosopher,
"I choose life!" Sid the Sloth:)
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